I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Randomize
