Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
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