i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Randomize
