Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
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You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
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Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
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