I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
