guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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