either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Classy? Dude, she fucked 3 guys as part of a scavenger hunt
And?
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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