In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
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