what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
you had me at cake vodka
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
