So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
