dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Randomize
