i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
