Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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