She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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