I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
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