so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
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