we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
