He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
