I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Randomize
