I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
