In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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