They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
