JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
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