I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Randomize
