i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
