you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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