I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
don't judge my taste in strippers
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
Randomize