U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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