Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
We left the knife in your bed.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Randomize
