Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
