OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
