My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
