He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Randomize
