Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Randomize
