Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
im six kinds of drunk right now
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Randomize
