Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
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