two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Randomize
