You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize
