I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
she went to type in rate my professors and rate my pussy came up in my recent searches. needless to say, i will likely be masturbating to the aforementioned site tonight.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
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