How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
Randomize
