I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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