I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
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