ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
I know they r crazy. However porn on a big screen is an easy commitment. They come with mute, stop, fast fwd and replay buttons. if only all women came that way...
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
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