just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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