I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
we're talking about where were going. or where we stand. but yeah we'll basically be doing it in the hallway so just ignore us
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
