i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
