So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
