im drinking this country out of the recession.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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