Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
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Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I won't apologize to a one balled man
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He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
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