I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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