your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
Randomize
