Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
The beers last night were like the tears from god
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
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