I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
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I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
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Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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