she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
