Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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